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An Octoberfest of Horror Films 
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Post Re: An Octoberfest of Horror Films
I actually just watched The Omen again last week for the first time in several years. I was glad to see that it still holds up really well. It's the quintessential "evil child" movie, along with Village of the Damned. That "fear of children" motif has had a long shelf life in horror cinema.

I had forgotten about the nanny sequence at the beginning. Not many horror movies have the ability to give me chills, but that moment got the job done. Very well-handled and extremely chilling. Agreed that the film takes a slight downturn in the second half, although it's always great to see David Warner in anything. I like the idea of the pictures predicting the demises of the characters, which someone correct me if I'm wrong was later re-used in the Final Destination series.
[Reveal] Spoiler:
Both the priest and Warner's deaths have a very Final Destination-like feel to them, in a good way.


Also, Billie Whitelaw is great as Mrs. Baylock. She reminded me of David Bowie for some reason.

Anyway, definitely one of my favorite '70s horror films.


Mon Oct 17, 2011 7:28 pm
Post Re: An Octoberfest of Horror Films
Blonde Almond wrote:
Agreed that the film takes a slight downturn in the second half, although it's always great to see David Warner in anything. I like the idea of the pictures predicting the demises of the characters, which someone correct me if I'm wrong was later re-used in the Final Destination series.
[Reveal] Spoiler:
Both the priest and Warner's deaths have a very Final Destination-like feel to them, in a good way.


Agreed on David Warner and an excellent point of spoilerific comparison. Using the pictures could easily come off as silly horror movie schtick, as could much of the film, but it all works. I think the soundtrack works really well in helping to create an atmosphere of dread, as do the performances. It sounds like a simple thing to do, but it's pretty tough in a horror movie because the standard elements are so familiar it's easy to see them as for what they are. The Omen does a really good job of being a somewhat standard story, but pulling it off and making it feel like something original.


Tue Oct 18, 2011 8:27 am
Post Re: An Octoberfest of Horror Films
I've never actually seen The Omen and am surprised to hear that it's this good. I was expecting something cheesy myself. Good to hear that I'm apparently wrong. Do you plan on extending this beyond October or are you going to speed up? I'm not really sure what to contribute but do enjoy reading about your project. Would have been sweet if Woody Allen had a horror film. Two birds with one stone kind of thing.


Tue Oct 18, 2011 11:49 pm
Post Re: An Octoberfest of Horror Films
ed_metal_head wrote:
I've never actually seen The Omen and am surprised to hear that it's this good. I was expecting something cheesy myself. Good to hear that I'm apparently wrong. Do you plan on extending this beyond October or are you going to speed up? I'm not really sure what to contribute but do enjoy reading about your project. Would have been sweet if Woody Allen had a horror film. Two birds with one stone kind of thing.


The Omen is cheesy, I felt the remake was superior to the original myself.


Wed Oct 19, 2011 12:07 am
Post Re: An Octoberfest of Horror Films
ed_metal_head wrote:
I've never actually seen The Omen and am surprised to hear that it's this good. I was expecting something cheesy myself.


Oh, it's not very good. One HUGE laugh in the whole thing, two good shocks. YouTube "the omen hanging scene" and "the omen plate glass" and be done with it.


Wed Oct 19, 2011 12:43 am
Post Re: An Octoberfest of Horror Films
Catch-up time...

Firestarter - 6/10

Pretty simple Stephen King adaptation: telekinetic dad and daughter run from government nogoodniks. Nothing special, basic plot and acting, although George C. Scott is scary as hell as the assassin for hire here.

Hisss - 4/10

What a mess. An offbeat and sort of interesting mess that embraces a rarely-explored premise, but a mess regardless. Writer/director Jennifer Lynch apparently disowned this after the producers wanted to horror the shit out of it, and I can believe it -- the flick has a schizophrenic vibe to it, giving us a lot of awful CG monster effects intercut with scenes of the leading lady straddling light poles and tree branches, without much of the context I'm sure Lynch wanted to impart.

Pumpkinhead: Ashes to Ashes - 3/10

If you wanted to see Doug Bradley do something worse than the Hellraiser sequels and have a hankering for Europeans putting on over-the-top backwoods hick accents, than this plodding, unnecessary follow-up to a sincerely decent cult classic is your hunk of awful.

Stan Helsing - 2/10

Oh, just go fuck yourself, Spoof Filmmakers.


Wed Oct 19, 2011 5:56 am
Post Re: An Octoberfest of Horror Films
ed_metal_head wrote:
I've never actually seen The Omen and am surprised to hear that it's this good. I was expecting something cheesy myself. Good to hear that I'm apparently wrong. Do you plan on extending this beyond October or are you going to speed up? I'm not really sure what to contribute but do enjoy reading about your project. Would have been sweet if Woody Allen had a horror film. Two birds with one stone kind of thing.


Woody Allen? Who's that? I have no idea what this could possibly mean.

I didn't love The Omen. I think Blondie likes it more than I do. It's nothing you have to rush out and see, but it's worth watching. It's a nice little 3 star film that mostly succeeds at what it tries to do. There are some cheesy moments, but, what can I say, I thought more of it worked than didn't work. Clearly others disagree, as they've so insightfully pointed out.

As for the project, I'm going to get it completed in October. I'm actually right on schedule with my viewings, I'm just behind on the writeups. This weekend I have very little to do, so I should be able to knock a handful out.


Wed Oct 19, 2011 1:31 pm
Post Re: An Octoberfest of Horror Films
Image

Ass-to-mouth awfulness. That's what The Human Centipede offers. And that's all it offers. It's an awful, awful film that lacks both a point and an interesting premise. It fails on just about every emotional level one could ask for in a film. Technically, it's a well made and shot film. That's about the only good thing there is to say about Tom Six's movie.

The film begins conventionally with two college aged girls (who are also terrible actresses, also conventional) having their car break down in the middle of nowhere, sans cell phone reception, and stumbling onto a nearby house that happens to be occupied by a mad scientist who's recently lost his beloved "three dog" (hilarious name). What transpires? Ass-to-mouth. With an Asian in the lead and the two girls in the back. I just can't take a movie seriously who's premise is sewing a person's mouth to another person's butthole. The movie, however, attempts to play it completely straight, and the result is a handful of silly, hokey scenes and some unintentionally hilarious dialogue (such as "I'm shitting!" followed by "Swallow it, bitch!").

I'm usually not much for plausibility, but this movie goes so far with it's ridiculous premise and plays it so straight (the director has even claimed it's 100% medically accurate), that I have to call it out. How, exactly does a former surgeon expect this experiment to, you know, work? The specifics are never explained, which is a good thing because it's impossible to do. The second and third sections of the centipede would inevitably die (and they do). How do they get food and water? The only thing they ingest is feces (swallow it, bitch!)! That's hardly filled with nutritional value. The film half-heartedly tries to get past all of this by explaining they share a single digestive system. Oh do they? So sewing a person's mouth to another person's ass just changes how someone's body processes food? Of course not. The Asian guy ingests something, his body breaks it down, and he shits out the waste. Unfortunately, it's going into someone's mouth instead of into a toilet. There's just no way sewing a mouth to your ass changes how your body breaks down food. And since the Asian guy eventually takes a shit, his body clearly hasn't changed that process.

I mock this movie and it's existence. It's awful on every level. If you like this movie, then swallow it, bitch. A stupid movie made by a stupid person, or people. Also, as an actress, that has to be the most humiliating role you could ever take. It's a half step up from being in 2 girls, 1 cup.


Wed Oct 19, 2011 2:54 pm
Post Re: An Octoberfest of Horror Films
PeachyPete wrote:
The Human Centipede.


I've long since grown tired of defending this movie. To me it's an excellent example of a filmmaker meeting his goals (sickening the viewer, setting his bar fairly high on the Ridiculous Scale) and accomplishing some variety of sincerity within the movie's universe. I found it a companion piece to Enter The Void, another movie that veered off the tracks and kept on running despite my expectations.

So why does The Human Centipede work? Consider its small, undemanding world and the power of its imagery. The dedication of the actors, the dedication to pushing forth an absurd idea.

You know what that is?

Honesty in art. Not high art but honest all the same. You think a movie like, say, Inception has an emotional core that's any more organic than that of the ATM movie? And to come back with the argument that it isn't the point... well, I say this: ATM movie works above its intentions and manages to ring somehow truer for the exploitation. It may not be respectable but it's no fraud.


Wed Oct 19, 2011 3:41 pm
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Joined: Wed Mar 04, 2009 7:44 pm
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Post Re: An Octoberfest of Horror Films
Quote:
Ass-to-mouth. With an Asian in the lead and the two girls in the back. I just can't take a movie seriously who's premise is sewing a person's mouth to another person's butthole


darn, I was expecting you to find some metaphor here.


Wed Oct 19, 2011 3:56 pm
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Post Re: An Octoberfest of Horror Films
Major Aphasia wrote:
To me it's an excellent example of a filmmaker meeting his goals (sickening the viewer, setting his bar fairly high on the Ridiculous Scale) and accomplishing some variety of sincerity within the movie's universe.


This is where I'd disagree. I didn't find the movie sickening, I found it more funny than anything. Funny in an awful way, of course. If I thought for one second that the movie wasn't meant to be taken seriously, I'd probably at least respect it. Instead, it's a failure in every regard, not just because it's repulsive. In fact, it isn't repulsive enough. That's why I mock it. It's a film that thinks it's pushing some envelope of disgustingness and being sincere, but I found it laughable on almost every level. I don't have an issue with the general sickness of the premise, but the movie plays it so ultra serious and fails so miserably at being as gross as it wants to be, that I can't help but consider it a massive failure. What you found sick and sincere, I found lame and false. Different strokes and all that noise. I legitimately think it's cool you found some value in the movie.

Question - is this a movie you like or admire? I can see someone admiring the film for doing what it set out to do (which seems to be your take), even if I don't agree with how successful it is at doing that. I have a tough time seeing how someone could enjoy the film, however.

Also, weird how much we're disagreeing on these horror movies. We usually have similar taste. It's good to know you aren't my West Coast doppleganger.

As for the Inception comparison, it's a good point to make even if I disagree with the examples. I'd argue that at least Inception has an idea behind it than is able to engage a viewer on some level, even if only superficial. Again, for me (it seems silly to keep pointing out that this is my opinion when it's obvious because I'm the one stating it), the ATM movie fails at this attempt in honesty, and since that's about all it's trying to accomplish I find it a complete piece of human excrement that the film adores so much.


Wed Oct 19, 2011 4:29 pm
Post Re: An Octoberfest of Horror Films
calvero wrote:
Quote:
Ass-to-mouth. With an Asian in the lead and the two girls in the back. I just can't take a movie seriously who's premise is sewing a person's mouth to another person's butthole


darn, I was expecting you to find some metaphor here.


Haha, I wish I had. Any theories?


Wed Oct 19, 2011 4:30 pm
Post Re: An Octoberfest of Horror Films
PeachyPete wrote:
Major Aphasia wrote:
To me it's an excellent example of a filmmaker meeting his goals (sickening the viewer, setting his bar fairly high on the Ridiculous Scale) and accomplishing some variety of sincerity within the movie's universe.


This is where I'd disagree. I didn't find the movie sickening, I found it more funny than anything. Funny in an awful way, of course. If I thought for one second that the movie wasn't meant to be taken seriously, I'd probably at least respect it. Instead, it's a failure in every regard, not just because it's repulsive. In fact, it isn't repulsive enough. That's why I mock it. It's a film that thinks it's pushing some envelope of disgustingness and being sincere, but I found it laughable on almost every level. I don't have an issue with the general sickness of the premise, but the movie plays it so ultra serious and fails so miserably at being as gross as it wants to be, that I can't help but consider it a massive failure. What you found sick and sincere, I found lame and false. Different strokes and all that noise. I legitimately think it's cool you found some value in the movie.

Question - is this a movie you like or admire? I can see someone admiring the film for doing what it set out to do (which seems to be your take), even if I don't agree with how successful it is at doing that. I have a tough time seeing how someone could enjoy the film, however.

Also, weird how much we're disagreeing on these horror movies. We usually have similar taste. It's good to know you aren't my West Coast doppleganger.

As for the Inception comparison, it's a good point to make even if I disagree with the examples. I'd argue that at least Inception has an idea behind it than is able to engage a viewer on some level, even if only superficial. Again, for me (it seems silly to keep pointing out that this is my opinion when it's obvious because I'm the one stating it), the ATM movie fails at this attempt in honesty, and since that's about all it's trying to accomplish I find it a complete piece of human excrement that the film adores so much.


I'll gladly agree to disagree over this movie. I'm a fan of obnoxious audacity and can often give a free ride to a movie if it aims for something like... ATM?

I originally "reviewed" the movie here: http://www.reelviews.net/reelviewsforum ... 644#p51465

The pertinent highlights are as follows:

Quote:
The "negative reviews" will be understandable, I suppose, because a light plot summary basically takes care of the nuances: three kidnapped people are sutured together, one in the lead and the other two with mouths sewn to the anuses of the others. Why? See: the title of the movie.


Quote:
It wasn't much fun but it was a real horror movie, not some schlocky bullshit that wants the viewer to ejaculate over all the gore.


Quote:
The critics are going to skewer this one (it posts a 30% approval on Metacritic and that number is going to be dropping dropping dropping -- Rotten Tomatoes has it at 60%, more respectable but not a ringing endorsement) and there's going to be a lot of talk about how hideous the experience was.


Quote:
Me? I can't say I liked it but it wasn't the same old bullshit; compelling, ghoulish, and sincere. "Sincere" is the key word.


I apparently thought it was sincere.


Wed Oct 19, 2011 5:45 pm
Post Re: An Octoberfest of Horror Films
I have a tendency to like films that try and fail, or at least try and mostly succeed. However, to like these films, I also have have to like what they're trying to do. The Tree of Life and The House of the Devil are films that Pete doesn't like but I do. I like the former because its ambitions weighs out its flaws, its visuals weigh out its dreary moments, its moments of emotional pull weigh out its emotional drought. I like the latter because it sets out to homage a genre whose best days are somewhere between here and there, and never once lets up, following through on the premise until the predictable ending. Atmosphere goes a long way for my taste and The Tree of Life and The House of the Devil offer that in spades. The Human Centipede creates no dread and minimal disgust. If the film wanted to be the most disgusting thing ever, it could have succeeded at doing that if that was indeed its goal.

[Reveal] Spoiler:
However, when the Asian guy spouts out that stuff about how he's not the greatest person ever and blah blah blah, the film loses any sort of connection with trying to be the most disgusting film ever. It instead tries to [not even visually] shoehorn in a point that has no business being there in the first place. Combining that with all the other mediocre aspects of the production, we're left with a film that really doesn't know what it wants to be. Does it want to be an eerie take on sexual exploits or does it want to be a message film featuring ass-to-mouth?


Uncertainty in purpose isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it is in this case because sitting through the film really is a chore. It doesn't go anywhere for a long time and when it finally does, of course it's a disappointment. With Tree and Devil, I got why I sat through the whole thing. I didn't get that with Centipede.

For better or for worse, though, The Human Centipede and Tom Six are here to stay. Remind me to buy that fucker a beer and punch him in the dick.


Wed Oct 19, 2011 8:14 pm
Post Re: An Octoberfest of Horror Films
PeachyPete wrote:
I mock this movie and it's existence. It's awful on every level. If you like this movie, then swallow it, bitch. A stupid movie made by a stupid person, or people. Also, as an actress, that has to be the most humiliating role you could ever take. It's a half step up from being in 2 girls, 1 cup.


She's returning for the (meta) sequel. She's playing herself.

You ask Mark if he admired the movie or liked it. I don't admire it. I just flat out like it. Maybe even love it. I disagree about the intent though. I believe it's supposed to be funny. And funny it is. Oh, how I laughed (and laughed, and laughed...). When Tom Six says 100% Medically Accurate I think his tongue is firmly in cheek. You cannot have a three dog and expect to be taken seriously. "I'm Shitting!" is one of the funniest things I've ever seen in cinema. Seriously. Have you seen the South Park episode? The shitting is, again, the funniest thing ("Cuttlefish and asparagus or vanilla paste?")

The entire thing hinges on one thing though: Dieter Laser's performance. You've rightly criticised the acting of the actresses (although many/most horror films have awful performances. That's not an excuse though) but said nothing of Laser. Perhaps he did not register for you but I assure you that it's not hyperbole when I say that I consider his to be one of the greatest of all horror villains. He's Freddy Krueger good. Seriously.

I am pleased though that you've acknowledged how (relatively) tame the movie is. It doesn't show a lot, given the subject matter and most of the difficult scenes are left to our imaginations. I've seen The Human Centipede grouped with torture porn and that disturbs me. This picture is much classier than any torture porn movie.

PeachyPete wrote:
calvero wrote:
Quote:
Ass-to-mouth. With an Asian in the lead and the two girls in the back. I just can't take a movie seriously who's premise is sewing a person's mouth to another person's butthole


darn, I was expecting you to find some metaphor here.


Haha, I wish I had. Any theories?


It's a metaphor for World War II. Germans, Japanese and Americans. The German is using the Jap to shit all over the Americans. I'm not even joking. That's what Tom Six said. I think he's (still) trying to fuck with our heads.


Wed Oct 19, 2011 10:59 pm
Post Re: An Octoberfest of Horror Films
ed_metal_head wrote:
You ask Mark if he admired the movie or liked it. I don't admire it. I just flat out like it. Maybe even love it. I disagree about the intent though. I believe it's supposed to be funny. And funny it is. Oh, how I laughed (and laughed, and laughed...). When Tom Six says 100% Medically Accurate I think his tongue is firmly in cheek. You cannot have a three dog and expect to be taken seriously. "I'm Shitting!" is one of the funniest things I've ever seen in cinema. Seriously. Have you seen the South Park episode? The shitting is, again, the funniest thing ("Cuttlefish and asparagus or vanilla paste?")


I haven't seen the South Park episode.

I wish I thought the movie was supposed to be funny. I really do. I'd probably like it because I laughed quite a bit while watching it. I just got the vibe that we were supposed to take it seriously, and there was absolutely no way that I could do that.

ed_metal_head wrote:
The entire thing hinges on one thing though: Dieter Laser's performance. You've rightly criticised the acting of the actresses (although many/most horror films have awful performances. That's not an excuse though) but said nothing of Laser. Perhaps he did not register for you but I assure you that it's not hyperbole when I say that I consider his to be one of the greatest of all horror villains. He's Freddy Krueger good. Seriously.


While I think you've overstated it, he was the "best" part of the movie. He even gave us a great quote (swallow it, bitch). I had to pause the movie I was laughing so hard at that line.

ed_metal_head wrote:
I am pleased though that you've acknowledged how (relatively) tame the movie is. It doesn't show a lot, given the subject matter and most of the difficult scenes are left to our imaginations. I've seen The Human Centipede grouped with torture porn and that disturbs me. This picture is much classier than any torture porn movie.


Again, not so sure about classy, but it is a tame film. If you read a plot summary you'd think torture porn, but in execution, it isn't. Most people seem to have seen a trailer and moved on with their lives, so they don't realize that the movie is no where near as graphic as they've been led to believe.

ed_metal_head wrote:
It's a metaphor for World War II. Germans, Japanese and Americans. The German is using the Jap to shit all over the Americans. I'm not even joking. That's what Tom Six said. I think he's (still) trying to fuck with our heads.


I sure hope he's trying to fuck with people's heads because...that's one of the dumbest things I've ever heard.


Thu Oct 20, 2011 8:56 am
Post Re: An Octoberfest of Horror Films
Pedro wrote:
I have a tendency to like films that try and fail, or at least try and mostly succeed. However, to like these films, I also have have to like what they're trying to do. The Tree of Life and The House of the Devil are films that Pete doesn't like but I do. I like the former because its ambitions weighs out its flaws, its visuals weigh out its dreary moments, its moments of emotional pull weigh out its emotional drought. I like the latter because it sets out to homage a genre whose best days are somewhere between here and there, and never once lets up, following through on the premise until the predictable ending. Atmosphere goes a long way for my taste and The Tree of Life and The House of the Devil offer that in spades. The Human Centipede creates no dread and minimal disgust. If the film wanted to be the most disgusting thing ever, it could have succeeded at doing that if that was indeed its goal.

[Reveal] Spoiler:
However, when the Asian guy spouts out that stuff about how he's not the greatest person ever and blah blah blah, the film loses any sort of connection with trying to be the most disgusting film ever. It instead tries to [not even visually] shoehorn in a point that has no business being there in the first place. Combining that with all the other mediocre aspects of the production, we're left with a film that really doesn't know what it wants to be. Does it want to be an eerie take on sexual exploits or does it want to be a message film featuring ass-to-mouth?


Uncertainty in purpose isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it is in this case because sitting through the film really is a chore. It doesn't go anywhere for a long time and when it finally does, of course it's a disappointment. With Tree and Devil, I got why I sat through the whole thing. I didn't get that with Centipede.

For better or for worse, though, The Human Centipede and Tom Six are here to stay. Remind me to buy that fucker a beer and punch him in the dick.


I love this post, especially the spoiler. Well said on all accounts, Pedro. I'll take Malick's movie or West's movie over this any day. I wanted to, and almost did, like both of those movies because I could see that the filmmakers genuinely wanted to make a great film that had something of substance behind it. While neither came completely together for me, I still respect both efforts. Six's movie is just a piece of shit.

As for atmosphere, it seems a lot of you guys adore it. I'm all for an atmospheric film, and I do appreciate a movie that's able to create a sense of time, or place, or both. However, for me, it's a part of a film, an aspect of the production that may or may not be necessary to a particular film. To link this back to Malick and West, I look at ambition the same way. It's something I appreciate and value, but it alone isn't going to make me call a film good.


Thu Oct 20, 2011 9:10 am
Post Re: An Octoberfest of Horror Films
PeachyPete wrote:
I sure hope he's trying to fuck with people's heads because...that's one of the dumbest things I've ever heard.


I'll tell you one of the dumbest things I've ever heard.

About eight years ago, before I met Michelle and while I was busy working toward what would be my future job -- this in a state of constant agitation that I was working toward a goal set for me by my expectations of what others' expectations of me were -- I was rooming with a guy named Aaron. Aaron was an intelligent and insinuatingly manipulative guy; just ask him and he'd be the first to tell you so.

Now I'm no saint. I'm not. Like so many people around me at the time, I dabbled in some cocaine. Nothing that had me sent to in-patient or out-patient treatment but enough that I ran through an amount of money that had me seeing visions of fellating men at a truck stop in order to buy another five or ten minutes worth of 70-degrees-inside-my-skull. I wouldn't have won any competitions but I'm not the kind of guy that benefits from the belief that I can fly a tractor if I could only glue some wings to the side.

Now, if you do enough cocaine in a single serving you'll find that your heart eventually wishes to burst from your chest and attack the crackhead sitting across from you. You also act like a complete jackass, become mouthy with people that would be happy to pluck an eye from your skull and panic about your heart exploding while you set up another damn run at energetic semi-retardation. I use this as prelude to this factoid: Aaron loved cocaine. Loved it. While I was doing something like $500 over the course of a week (not that bad considering the amount of time I was using and what I believed my earning power would be), Aaron was pawning his and my shit in order to establish what is known as a gorilla finger's worth of powdered gold on our junky balsa furniture.

I wasn't out in this territory for more than 2 or so months -- I had places to be, people to eventually meet in order to impregnate. Aaron was of the fuck-all variety and, because I'm at my core a coward and a pseudo-passive, I let him get away with just about anything up to but excluding holding me hostage with a dull butter knife held to my scrotum. Maybe you'd do something different.

We had our disagreements as all roommates are eventually going to. One of these disagreements was when the lights in the apartment should be clicked off. I was of the mind that 2am was good enough given that we had to be up, at the latest, at 7am. Aaron was of the mind that 5am was acceptable at least 3 or 4 nights out of the week. Who on earth could keep up with this level of insanity, I ask you? Not I. We went back and forth on when it was appropriate to click those halogens off and never really reached an agreement. My contention that 5 hours of sleep was fairly ungenerous but acceptable -- in the short term, mind you -- was met with mocking glares, raised middle fingers and (about 15 or 20 times) outbursts of profanities about or around my mental capacity. At 3, 4 in the morning. To be woken from a light, sick sleep at 3 or 4 in the morning after retiring at 2am... I can't recommend this to anyone.

One night I decided that enough was enough and unscrewed the bulbs from every lamp in the apartment, hid them in a lock box that I had cleverly placed under my bed and said "go the fuck to sleep". He responded with a round of insults, moves toward violence (which scared me then and would scare me the same way today) and further rounds of insults. At the time it was infuriating but now it makes sense given the general nature of our habitat.

As he stormed around in the dim glow of alarm clocks and bathroom lights (why shoot myself in the foot?) he performed his mean-spirited but altogether accurate one-act show of my daily life. And he was fantastic at this: donning this jacket I wore, imitating my tone, pretending to text the girl I was dating, doing a pitch-perfect rendition of any number of conversations I had with this problematic but darling woman. This night was different than other nights -- exhausted, moving toward a depression -- and I threatened to call the police. Oh how he laughed!

"Call them! I'm going to stand right here! Call them! I'll listen in and offer some tips to them!" he said as he forced more laughter than the situation called for.

Of course I didn't call the police but I did put in earplugs, donned a pair of headphones and cranked up the white noise in order to get some sleep or affect sleep. Doesn't matter. In retrospect, this passive action was more harmful than good. In a mood swing that would immediately impress itself on my memory in a particularly meaningful way, Aaron tore off the headphones and stood over me.

"I swear to fucking god, brother. I swear to fucking god. If you keep up this shit I'm going to make you watch me have a heart attack."

If he hadn't been dead serious I would have chuckled and let bygones be bygones. But, as it happened, I heard one of the dumbest sentences that man has formed since letters were formed into words, words into sentences.


Thu Oct 20, 2011 10:13 am
Post Re: An Octoberfest of Horror Films
Not to deflate the seriousness of the story, but the longer it went on, the more I dreaded that the ending would involve you having your mouth sewn to someone else's anus, and another person's mouth sewn onto your anus.

And now that I know that it doesn't, I feel a strange emptiness.


Thu Oct 20, 2011 11:27 am
Post Re: An Octoberfest of Horror Films
Major Aphasia wrote:
"I swear to fucking god, brother. I swear to fucking god. If you keep up this shit I'm going to make you watch me have a heart attack."


You win. That's much, much dumber than Tom Six's statement. Your lengthy biographical post has taught me to temper my hyperbolic ways.

I'm probably an awful person for having Tyrone Biggums saying "And that was the first time I sucked a dick for crack...but it wouldn't be the last!" immediately come to mind when you mentioned fellating another man, but I thought it nonetheless.

Seriously though, that story is nuts. You've lived a crazy, interesting life Mr. Aphasia. I'm sure I'm not the only one, but I'm glad you removed yourself from that environment.


Thu Oct 20, 2011 11:34 am
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