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Films - explained by the characters in them 
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Post Films - explained by the characters in them
Event Horizon (1997) - by Dr. William Weir

So here I bloody am, I've persuaded some lackeys to take me damn near across the motherfucking solar system to find a ship that disappeared 7 years ago. These lackeys aren't quite as bad as the morons and stooges in Armageddon, but hardly befitting a man of my pedigree. Anyways, they're all moaning about this and that and the fact that they were technically on annual leave and that my demands are encroaching onto their hard won statutory entitlements, and I'm like "look, this is important shit, give over", and they say "what is, what we doing here? What is this shit?"

Let me explain what the shit is. I'm Doctor Peter Weir; PhD in something complex as fuck that I won't bore you or them about. I built a contraption that for the sake of expediency I'll call a "gravity drive". I won't delve into the complexities as you're too stupid to grasp them, but lets say there's some deep mathematical shit going on. I also quite possibly built a ship called "the event horizon" too, although I'm a bit cloudy on that one.

Anyway, the ship was sent out the orbit of Neptune to open this gravity drive. No reason Neptune other than it sounds dramatic as fuck and cost NASA a cockload of flithy wonga. Long story short - it vanished and now it's back and these shitmunchers are taking me to see it. But they keep hassling me, "what's this, what's that?" ... have you tried explaining Quantum mechanics to a single cell organism, I ask?

I ain't no pilot who points something in the right direction and presses a peddle. For all I know this bloody thing has been to THE 7TH CIRCLE OF HELL and has come back to entice us and steal our souls for no discernible reason.

Fuck off you mere platitude functionaries. Some of you aren't even proper film actors, I've decided to side with the ship and drag you into eternal condemnation. Was this my plan all along? Perhaps. I'm in a bad mood and this ain't no Jurrassic Park.

Ego vobis valedico

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Tue Nov 18, 2014 6:55 am
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Post Re: Films - explained by the characters in them
Forrest Gump (1994) - by Forrest Gump

So I'm going for a run because I'm proper pissed off at the world. My hippy chick, President John Fitzgerald Kennedy, they all to varying degrees obstructed my route to eternal happiness. Fucking losers and dead people I tell you!

It kinda reminds me about proxy War the United States government wages in Vietnam against the communist backed Vietcong. Myself and another highly intelligent and socially adept colleague went almost "full retard" to distract our colleagues from a gap that had opened up in the commercial fishing market. Of course I was able to exploit this and plant my flag in this great conquest of renewable yet finically rewarding natural resources, and make a truck load of cash in the meantime.

Playing dumb has served me well as fuck I tell ya. I bet 99.9% of the world's population don't have my uncanny knack of being in the right place at the right time. Shit just happens around me. Take today, I go for a run, and people start to follow me . I run 3000 miles and there's an entire population desperately trying to get a whiff of my ass gas. I'm like Elvis meets Charles fucking Manson. I just have "the stuff, the shit, the energy, the feng shui of life".

"Life is like a box of chocolates" is what I like to tell the plebs and turd munchers. It throws them off the scent you see. It implies life is about luck when actually I'm phenomenally talented and determined beyond belief. Whilst dictating this into the world's first I-phone prototype in 1994, I've churned over 6 million dollars on the stock exchange and own more undeveloped land than Wallmart.

Au revoir, losers. And don't forget that chocolate thingy I mentioned.

Here, pass that towel, love ...

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Tue Nov 18, 2014 11:46 am
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