Cast: Dale Ashmun, Dudley Batchelor, Garth Currie, Jason Deas, Karl DeMolay, Loreli Fuller, Roy "Rusty" Jackson, Veronica Russell, John Sinclair
Directors: Mike Lyddon, Karl DeMolay & Will Frank
Producers: Mike Lyddon, Karl DeMolay & Will Frank
Screenplay: Mike Lyddon, Karl DeMolay & Will Frank
Cinematography: Mike Lyddon
U.S. Distributor: Salt City Home Video
There are certain statements that no film critic should make without first carefully considering the ramifications. I am about to make one of those, and I debated long and hard before deciding that it was valid and necessary. While I am not immune to hyperbole, I rarely give into it, and this is one occasion when I am not exaggerating . Zombie! Vs. Mardi Gras is the worst professionally produced film I have had the displeasure of sitting through. The worst. Worse than anything by Ed Wood. Worse than anything starring Pauly Shore, Steven Seagal, or Jean-Claude Van Damme. Worse than a piece of drek like The Mangler. And worse than the most sex-and-violence-soaked exploitation film to appear after midnight on Cinemax.
The extreme nature of this review will undoubtedly cause some readers to rush out and rent this movie. In some ways, I can't blame those who do, because films this bad don't come along often. And, no matter how painful it can be to watch something like this (both in terms of wasted time and wasted money, neither or which can be recovered), it is also instructive. For example, after enduring the indignity of being exposed to Zombie! Vs. Mardi Gras, you will have a clear appreciation of which films are truly bad and which ones are just unimaginative and lifeless.
The film seems to have been inspired in equal parts by George A. Romero's Night of the Living Dead and Ed Wood's Plan Nine From Outer Space. The result is an embarrassment to both films. (When was the last time anything was described as an embarrassment to Plan Nine??) To be honest, I could not get through this movie in one sitting, as desperately as I tried. Even in the comfort of my own living room, the thought of enduring all 72 minutes of the film without a break exceeded the level of torment I'm willing to accept to do this job. So I broke the experience into three pieces, which made it almost bearable. It's also worth noting that I had to place the VCR remote in another room to avoid the temptation to hit the "FF" button.
The plot is borderline incoherent. It's possible that a second or third viewing might have made things clearer, but there was no way I was going to put myself through that. Basically, the movie is about a man in bad zombie makeup stalking Mardi Gras revelers, most of whom seem to be naked women. For more specifics, I quote the back of the video box: "A child grows up studying the occult and plotting vengeance after being brutalized and crippled by drunken Mardi Gras revelers. One stormy Lundi Gras night he performs a Sumerian ritual which unearths ZOMBIE! from his ancient sleep. ZOMBIE! prowls the streets of New Orleans on Mardi Gras Day, leaving a trail of terror and carnage in his wake!" Some of that exposition seems to have been left out of the actual film.
Admittedly, while hurling invectives at a movie presents a clear picture of my opinion, it doesn't do a lot to explain why I feel that way. For a feature with such poor overall quality, it goes without saying that the acting is abysmal, the camerawork is incompetent, and the direction is non-existent. More galling, however, is the inadequacy of the technical elements. The black-and-white movie was shot on video, so it the picture isn't that clear to begin with, but the tape itself has been dubbed in EP/SLP (slow) speed, which results in a sloppy, blurred image. I guess the idea is to obfuscate the poor production design. More than once, I was reminded of streaming video over a 56K modem Internet connection. It is not an exaggeration to say that I have seen home videos that look more professional (and do a better job of holding my interest) than Zombie! Vs. Mardi Gras. The sound is just as bad, if not worse. The filmmakers failed to synch up the soundtrack with the visuals, and the effect is like watching a dubbed Godzilla movie. I don't care how minimal the budget was - directors Mike Lyddon, Karl DeMolay & Will Frank should be ashamed to make something like this available for public consumption.
One question I am always asked about movies like this is, "Is it so bad that it's good?" The answer is a resounding "No!" So-bad-that-they're-good movies do not get zero stars. They work, although not always in the way their creators intended. Zombie! Vs. Mardi Gras is unwatchable by anyone who is sane, sober, and/or otherwise unimpaired. It's too boring, repetitive, and irritating to have value as camp. I have written this review as a public service to those who stop by my video column. I sacrificed my time so others don't have to. Feel free to ignore this warning, but don't expect me to be held responsible for the consequences if you do. Remember that if you rent the tape from a video store, you will be expected to return it in one piece. Possible reactions such as throwing the film out the nearest window or running it over with the car will only result in a severe financial penalty. Avoid Zombie! Vs. Mardi Gras at all costs, then you won't have to worry about how you'll react under such extreme torture.
© 1999 James Berardinelli